This photo was about 12 weeks- over a month ago now. And things have kind of changed - I've had to not only begin to wear the belly belt but I'm in between the smallest and middle sized part AT 16 WEEKS!!! I'm grateful for the belly bands I bought earlier, too, because they're now needed to cover not only the belly- midriff part but the zip where the belly belt is. This is the first pregnancy which I've actually had enough pants with buttons to be able to use it.
Unbeknownst to most, I've also got those "badge of honour" stretch marks and I'm going through that earie feeling of stretching skin...
I still have nausea in the morning / during the night but at least I haven't actually been vomitting this time:)...
I'm short of breath quite a bit...
My nose and throat feel kind of stuffy, especially in the morning and late evening...
I go from feeling freezing (wanting to stay dressed in my flannie pjs and newly acquired soft and cuddly dressing gown / robe all day - something I can't bring myself to do to meet the school bus in the morning:)) to being sooo hot I'm changed into a tank top and shorts, and then back again (Before and after yesterday's party, I was asleep in aforementioned PJs!)...
I'm already finding I need to be careful how I sit, stand and change position, and as for sleeping - well, I've taken Claire Hall's advice and taught myself to sleep on my left side, but it requires several "aides" to keep me there and comfy ( pillow between the legs, a rolled up towel+sheet behind my back, a lavender eye pillow to help me breathe deeply and relax, especially around 3-6am when I'm an insomniac after finally succumbing to a visit to the toilet; and a hot water bottle either at my back or other places)...
My blood pressure isn't high, thankfully; rather I need to increase my salt intake slightly (and only for this trimester) to help my blood pressure which registers low when I stand - hence the giddiness!...
Aching "milk-producers", but grateful that things are kicking in in this area - I love breastfeeding:)...
And absolute fatigue and here's where the rubber hits the road, so to speak:
Emotionally, I'm feeling spent, especially the last few days. I feel as though my life needs to slow down even more, and I'm wondering how to do that. I want to be able to cope -with everything, mind you. I want to be able to keep helping those who need help. I want to put more effort into my marriage, my kids, my God-given creativity, my girly girliness(!!), I want to have everything ready for the baby NOW because pregnancy has previously been harder on my body than giving birth and having a newborn.
I know Gary will be around for the last few weeks to help me but I'd love for that time to be a really special time for Declan and his Daddy in particular before he starts Prep next year and is away from home 5 days a week. I'd also really like Gary to have a well-deserved rest during this time after being such a diligent, committed and caring teacher for 10+ years. (Even as I write this, it's 9pm and he's out at school preparing for the week:)
I'm feeling lonely and somewhat isolated. I don't know what I'd do without Saminda and our very frequent phone catch-ups and DMCs during Playschool!! And it's been great to watch Declan and Elijah develop their mateship with full-on adventures as pirates, astronauts, and overall protectors...But I don't want to wear out my welcome, even with someone as close as a sister.
I want to connect better but I'm tired and sad and not very good company: I actually think I need help to cope with this stage in my life but I'm finding it hard to say that in real life, and then what do I need help with? I'm not exactly sure...
I probably need people to stand with me; to help me laugh; to help me let out my pent-up tears; to love the process of pregnancy as I journey through it; I AM overweight so pregnancy doesn't look on me like it looks in the books or on sites as a beautiful blossoming belly that is well-defined as `baby' - quite frankly, I endured so many humiliating times because people (strangers and acquaintances) asked me when I was due or if I was expecting - before I was pregnant. I feel like a whale, and I'm grieving (again) that my dream of being a classy pregnant one just isn't to be.
I'm grieving that it isn't twins (no, I'm not insane - I just dreamed we would have 2 boys and 2 girls).
I'm grieving because last year when "Cathy becoming pregnant" was on my friends' prayer lists, there was so much encouraging talk about not being alone in pregnancy; of having an incredible support network; but, for a whole variety of reasons, this now feels like a delicate spider's web that has endured some very rough weather and strong winds - emotionally, I'm hanging on by a thread - actually, by 4 threads - to my Heavenly Father (Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"), to my husband, to my family, and my kindred spirits - sisters in Christ. For these, I'm grateful.
I'm unsure about the actual birth this time. Talking to a midwife yesterday at the party who works at Hervey Bay hospital (and who I first met in hospital after Declan's birth:)), she remorsefully explained that so many things were different now, for the worse. I treasured Saminda's home birth last year and wondered if we could go this way, too but with an impending law about midwives making homebirth virtually impossible, I'm grieving the lack of options available; the lack of choice BUT I also know that I know that I know that God, my Heavenly Father has had His Hand on both my previous births and that this one will be no exception !
There are others in "blogland" who are going through extraordinarily tough times; Cora's parents being the ones that come to mind as an example, so it seems rather egocentric and selfish to actually post this; but at the same time, I hope that my daughter/s down the track realise that this is real; that the story of my life isn't all smiles and that it's okay if, when it's their turn, to go through these seasons; that its normal; that, no matter what, God promises to walk with us through the hard times, implying that He'll get us safely to the other side not leave us there to sink.
3 comments:
I don't care for those perfect-pregnant-shaped-bellies in all those books and magazines at the best of times. Don't dwell on it Cathy. God has made YOU in His image, and that also means while you are pregnant :-)
As for those stretch-marks may I suggest a product called "Bio-Oil" it is brilliant, just rub the stuff in everyday and it's amazing!
Make sure you take sometime for yourself each day just to sit and put your feet up. Write lists of things you want to achieve so that you can just sit and relax.
Remember the Lord also knows your heart and knows about the grieving you are going through but by walking up to the foot of cross and laying down your backpack of grief, He will take it away. You just have to be brave enough to take the first step.
Always here for you, call anytime (I mean it Cathy!)
From another pregnant one, Week 38, Belly like a hot air balloon (one with the colored stripes or more commonly known as stretch-marks), breathless and Cankles!
My dear Cathy, Tears came to my eyes as I read this. Forgive me if I've neglected you more than I should have these past few days / weeks... I may have been a bit distracted going through my own "tunnel"; but I'm out, and I'm here!! Yes, let's laugh!!! Let's watch a funny movie sometime this week! You will NOT wear out your welcome in my home... you and Declan are welcome anytime at all. I mean that, ANYTIME!!! ANYTIME!!!
So please, just come! I AM here for you.
We will keep praying for the birth, for safety, health for you and the baby, and just for a beautiful, spiritually wonderful birth! I KNOW God will deliver that, he loves you SO SO SO much!!!
Pregnancy can be such a hard journey, and yes, a lonely one. I have always found that no matter how great people are, all the fellowship in the world doesn't quite take away that feeling of this being YOUR journey- and it is.It's often lonely. But, we are here. We will rally!! Things will get better. :) And do not beat yourself up about anything. You are trying your bestest to be the best to everyone (and that's many people!) and you are doing beautifully.
And you are beautiful. Beautiful!!! And that wee little bubby is beautiful too- I know, I've seen him / her!! I cannot WAIT to meet this sweet little person, and feel so privileged to be sharing this pregnancy with you. :)
If this all sounds expressive, it's meant to. Just picture my face before you, frowning and smiling where appropriate; arms waving too. :) I love you my friend, go listen to the song "I trust in you" from the Intimacy CD - it's the only thing I could do during Will's pregnancy when I was feeling as you've described in this post. :)
Dearest Cathy - Oh, your post brought out so many emotions in me! I felt truly sad that you felt so sad and guilty because I couldn't be there instantly to hug you. I'm so sorry if you feel I've let you down. I feel like I've let you down (by not being around as much to take care of you and not being very good at staying in contact), but I also know that I am there for you in every way I can be right now. I pray for you and think of you often. I miss you and our chats around your table. I am so frustrated that your choice of a home birth may soon become impossible - BUT I am excited about this baby, and I am excited about this birth. If you end up in hospital - we will just come with you!!! We will turn your hospital room into the most gorgeous, warm, serene, place and your baby will just kind of arrive into the middle of all this love and goopiness. What more could the baby want. It would be so exciting to be all together again for another baby. Pity I'm not having anymore. HAHAHAHA (slightly manic laugh there!!) So my sweet friend, (oh stop crying you hormonal wreck!) take great strength from the fact that you are surrounded by people who love and adore you (especially with your beautiful belly and stretch marks) and are even envious they don't have such a good excuse to stay in their PJ's. Enjoy this time Cathy!!!!!!! With much love, Helen.
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